“Mom.me” blogger Michelle Horton has
broken the silence by finally saying what every parent has been thinking about
their kid’s birthday parties but has never said out loud. For kids, their
birthdays as well as their friends’ birthdays are super exciting events that
they can’t get enough of- the cake, the goody bags, the candy, the other little
kids running around everywhere, it’s like kid heaven. As a parent, you feel
like you’re obligated to look forward to your kid’s birthday, it’s their
special day right? The day they came into the world and changed yours. But
after their 1st birthday has come and gone and the parties just keep getting
more complicated with more and more kids on the guest list, it can start to
feel a little more stressful than exciting. Sometimes birthday parties aren’t
even fun for the kids, hurt feelings can come from no-shows or missing invites,
but as Michelle points out- every year parents keep going to them and keep
hosting them. Despite the fact that, like Christmas madness, parents are never
going to stop throwing their kids birthday parties- they are all going to keep
thinking the same things. Here are Michelle Horton’s 10 Hard Truths about kids' birthday parties:
1. No parent wants to go, and no parent
wants you to come.
It’s not
personal. You seem perfectly lovely at school pick-up, and given a more
comfortable atmosphere (somewhere without a head-splitting noise volume, and a
few less hollers for “MOMMY”) maybe we could have a real conversation. But
birthday parties are awkward, across the board. After huddling together with
parents we barely know, making chitchat, silently pleading that our kid
isn’t the one who collapses into a sugar-induced heap of tears or punches
someone in the throat, we all leave grateful that it’s over, host and guests
alike. Especially for the socially awkward amongst us, birthday parties are
something to endure.
2. Half the guest list will RSVP the
night before
When it comes to kids’ birthday parties,
RSVP basically means nothing. You’re just going to have to accept it. Then
parents will profusely
apologize, as if they were the only one. A handful won’t respond at all, as if
we won’t prepare a goodie bag and account for pizza just in case you
phone in a last-minute response. At least one will cancel the day of, happens
every time.
3. Prepare for siblings to come, because
they will.
Don’t act
surprised when a car unloads with four kids under 5, even though you only
invited the one. Don’t you dare mentally count the pizza slices and goodie bags
in your head; you were waiting for this moment. You’ve got this.
4. The activities you have spent so much
time planning actually suck.
Musical
chairs sounds fun until the first losing kid erupts into tears, elbowing kids
off their seats. Scavenger hunts seem easy, until one older sibling goes on a
prize-finding bender and refuses to share his winnings. If you can make it
through two hours without saying, THAT’S IT, EVERYONE IN A CIRCLE AND SIT ON
YOUR HANDS, then congratulations. Success.
5. Pinterest is for parents, not kids.
No kid
cares about the themed food, Pinterest-inspired tablescape or décor. All of
those printable tags and DIY touches? Just admit it, that’s for the camera (or
maybe for other moms), not the kids. Kids want three things: sugar, loose balloons
and space to run mad. Call it a day, folks. Let’s not overthink things.
6. Piñatas are the worst
idea ever, stop it now.
Every time
a parent emerges with a bat and the promise of candy, breaths catch in the air.
Looks are exchanged around the room, silently saying, “Brace for catastrophe.”
If the kids are strong enough to do some serious damage to the furniture, or to
another kid’s skull, retire the piñata. The other parents thank you.
7. Goodie bags never make it out of the
car.
So don’t try so hard. Kids are
surprisingly easy to please.
8. All parents wish there was booze, too.
Wine would make this whole thing a lot
easier, and less awkward. Sigh.
9. No one knows what to do about the
gifts.
Do we open the presents in front of
everyone? Do we wait? Do we avoid making eye contact with the presents?
Yes they are exhausting and awkward and,
if parents are gonna be honest, way too expensive, but parents will still show
up to the parties, gift in hand. They’ll still send out invitations, even if
they “have to” invite the entire class. They’ll still go through the motions
and get through the day, for the sake of the kids. And of course, for the
birthday cake.
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