Disney's Bizaardvark: Survival Tips for Set Parents (Part 2 of 5)

My child, who is very lucky, also works hard. He is a series regular on a Disney Channel show named Bizaardvark; to be a Disney kid is a dream come true for him. There are so many perks, too many to name, associated with this fortunate situation.

However, creating a good show that the target audience of children wants to watch and become invested in, requires a lot of sweat equity from the whole show production team, including the child actors. At the end of the day, this is a business. My child often works 50+ hours with a combination of table reads, rehearsals, run throughs, and filming, interwoven with a full-time school program. This is in addition to other premieres, promotions, and activities he may have in a given week. Since there is no job that is 100% joy and fanfare, there is a certain amount of ‘suck it up’ to be endured by both the set parent and the sometimes-very-weary child. This is to be expected.

So, I decided to compile some tips which may leave set parents better able to enjoy and savor the joyous moments, while minimizing the drama or overwhelmed sensation that inevitably creeps in. And, as a mom of one of these kids, trying to ensure there is some semblance of balance between working in this dream scenario and having a childhood.

Boundaries and Secrets, Korean style

Keep some boundaries people! I lived with my family in Seoul, South Korea for four years and made some good Korean friends. While I admire many aspects of Korean women’s friendships, one particular aspect stands out -- a RESPECT FOR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES (I’m not yelling it; I just think it’s important J). I’ll try to illustrate with a few examples. If and when I bring up an issue, sympathetic ears listen, and kind words are offered to me by my friends. For example, if my child is struggling academically in kindergarten (a true crisis in Korea), my friend would not say, “I heard your child has no stars on the reading chart. Does he have ADD? You should have him tested. You and your husband are smart so I’m sure it’s not that.” A Korean friend does not butt in with personal, invasive questions that might embarrass me (unless that is her mission, but if she is my friend, this would never be the case).

Or, if we are sitting having lunch and our friend walks in, looking very pretty, actually radiant, we notice. But a Korean friend would never say, “Pretty soon we’re going to have to wear construction hard hats to all of our lunches with all the work you’re having done!” The Korean friend (and if I were there as well) would merely remark how amazing our friend looks and hope maybe she will share some of her secrets. These scenarios directly transfer onto a set where you spend 3-4 years of your life, endless hours a day, with people who are thrown into your life because of the show.

Americans can by nature, be very different. Americans often feel entitled to ask any personal questions they want or comment on your situation. This quest for information is often telling about the questioner, the national enquirer, of the set and everyone on the set has to work together to keep this person from interviewing or interrogating others. A lack of personal boundaries causes problems on a set where everyone spends so much time together because people still want and need to have some healthy boundaries. I try to take a page from my Korean friendship book and not ask about personal situations. But I’m always here to listen should they want to discuss it.

Every set has secrets. Keep them. I’m not talking about covering up bullying or sexual harassment. Do not keep secrets if someone is being harmed in any way but rather, don’t air everyone’s dirty laundry. Every set, like every home, has things they are trying to work through, struggles they are facing, things that are messy when the curtain gets pulled back. It could be a difficult child, a different learner, puberty moodiness, marital strife, an eating disorder; the possibilities are really endless. Everyone is working through something or working on themselves in some way, and, people deserve some privacy.

My Korean friend Yun told me that too many times an American woman she meets for the first time will tell her about her children and their issues, her marriage (or terrible divorce), her weight, health and every other detail in the first few hours. Don’t be that person. I think of a hanging scale. Korean women tend to exchange like amounts of information with each other, and they don’t bring up a situation where their friend will ‘lose face’ or feel uncomfortable. Yun told me when I first moved to Seoul, “Don’t be like a typical American and give away all your personal information. And if a Korean is barraging you with questions but not offering any information about herself, it’s a power play. She will walk away knowing all about you, your kids, your husband, and, your house and life while you know nothing; this gives her the power.” While I don’t want to come up with grand calculations or over analyze every scenario, the overall idea of handling boundaries and secrets Korean-style on any set is useful.

Equally important is to be a very good listener. If my set buddy brings something up and wants to talk, I’m all ears and empathy, ready to vent or offer advice as appropriate, whatever she needs. I’m very selective about who I confide in as well. A friendship on the set, like a great sauce, simmers over time and becomes real and lasting. Over time, our set did that really well. Respected that people need boundaries and that some set secrets are best kept, and we had a great set atmosphere overall.

Have a great day. Part Three of Survival Tips for Set Parents is coming soon!

With Aloha, Eileen

Disney's Bizaardvark: Survival Tips for Set Parents (Part 1 of 5)

We were lucky. We had an amazing cast and crew and the actors’ families are all really nice. But every show will inevitably have its own culture and that culture is created by the people that are there ALL THE TIME and Disney to an extent. One of the most defining sub-cultures is the parents.

One of the greatest achievements for a young child actor is to book a series regular role on a Disney show. Okay, there are other networks too, and truth be told, to crack the industry at all takes a gargantuan amount of work and sacrifice.

So, your child has made it and you report to your amazing show set where you have your child in sight from between 9 hours a day to 10 ½, depending on their age. There is a parking space and a dressing room for your child. It’s very exciting. You’ve given up your job and moved away from your husband and other (in my case, 3) children. You meet all these lovely people: the parents and their children. The overwhelming sensation is gratitude. For the first week.

My analogy is when parents freak out about early reading. Whoever is the best early reader in pre-school, or, reading chapter books as a kindergartener is revered! OMG the parenting! Oh, little Charmaine is going places where her reading of Henry and Mudge chapter books will get her into Harvard. But here is the fact -the overachieving kindergartener is NOT the one who will be the class valedictorian. Same for the awesome 6-year old soccer star who is not going to the World Cup. Life changes things. Everything. So, the parents who believe that this is their child’s moment and the racking-and-stacking and viewpoint of their child as an actor is important and unfolding NOW, will inevitably act badly. Your child is not peaking as an 11-year old, even if it is a Disney show.

My first tips for surviving because your life has become a gong show-

1) Let karma take care of it. Honestly, I’m not lying. There are a million times when a well meaning (for their child) parent will abandon all decency so their child is viewed in the best light possible. This can be anything from secret gifting, gossiping, communication with the powers-that-be (whoever that may entail at the moment) about some situation on set, kissing up to Corporate, or, counting lines, or the way certain scenes are portraying or not portraying their child. The possibilities are endless. You have to just step back and realize drama on the set is TOXIC and should be left to the writers. I’m not saying, just swallow it and take one for the team. Go to your person on set (see point three: set buddy) and complain until the other person’s ears are bleeding.

2) Balancing family sacrifice. Someone has to work. The parent that is not on set needs to be included, even if you don’t like them. Since a parent must be on set with the minor while they work, someone is giving up their job. The one that is working feels like they are missing out. They are earning money because no parent I know wants to take any money from their child’s earning, no matter the families’ sacrifices. There are laws that limit what parents can take, but this is for the exceptions. Almost all parents I know want everything to be put away for their child for ‘the future’.

This family sacrifice also shows up as drama for the geographically split families; the mom (in my case) is commuting and trying to keep the other kids back home feeling parented and valued. My kids are energy vampires. They have no mercy on me when I miss things. One daughter said, “All the other moms managed to make it to Parent’s night.” Another said, “If I get my period and you are not here, I will never, ever forgive you. Ever.” This is why I am eternally confused with the term happy hour. For me, a glass of wine, hopefully with another cast mom who has the same issues, is a sanity check. I need validation that I’m a good mom even though I leave my other kids and the school counselor recommends my child for a mental health assessment because “your mom is never home. It must be stressful for you and your family.”

   3)  Have a ‘set buddy’ you can vent to because you will need to, and often. Life isn’t fair. If you want fair, well I can’t think of where to tell you to go. Even hell, because I’m assuming it’s not fair there at all. Take a walk with your set friend and realize that while the In’n’Out burger and coffee truck provide an enormous amount of comfort, talking to a real person who ‘gets it’ is invaluable. The venting is critical! You’ll be spending about 40-50 hours with this circle of people.

     Set buddies are critical because parents can cover for each other- with children under sixteen, there has to be an adult (guardian or assigned) with ‘eyes on’. This means the parent (or guardian) has to be able to physically see the child. If my child is in the B plot with a cast mate and I have to go to the airport to pick up another child or go to an appointment, I can assign another parent to be in charge of my child while I’m gone. The ADs and teachers help with this as well. This is critical. So have set friends and you can have each other’s backs.

4) Enjoy this chapter as much as you can. It’s a chapter in your child’s life but also yours. Come away with some friendships and great memories. Our family lived in Seoul, South Korea for four years. As an expat, I became fast friends with people I would not normally meet. It’s amazing how much I had in common with people who were very different than me. I worked to develop friendships on the set. I see them outside of work– the other parents (some I’m closer to than others) and also some other people like the teacher, AD, wardrobe, production crew and many more. I value those friendships and they are an important part of this chapter.

Encourage your kids to do the same. The cast will all grow up and move in different directions, but this group will always have the memories; make as many good memories as possible. They know each other well. After all, they’re growing up together. It would be great if some of them could be lifelong friends.

    5) Remember your child is a child. Being on a show is a very unique situation. About 80 adults’ livelihoods are riding on your child’s shoulders. The goal is very clear – produce a good show, one episode at a time. We were lucky to have a seasoned and truly nice production team. They’ve worked together and seen about every scenario possible, so they helped guide us newbie parents. 

       Always remember, you are still the parent. You have to continue to shape your child’s value system with good parenting. Things that happen on every schoolyard are now in your face, so you have to react; just don’t overreact. And vent to your set buddies about inevitable frustrations; do not vent to your child. Kids put everything out there; they don’t have filters. If you tell your child that another mom is a ‘competitive bitch and a stalker’ (I’m making this up), the child will say it at some point, and probably after you are over it. It might be to the teacher or the make-up person, but it will get repeated and it will cause drama.

Have a great day. Part Two of Survival Tips for Set Parents is coming next Tuesday!

With Aloha, Eileen

Awesome Earth Day Ideas for Kids: April 22, 2019

Earth Day is an important day set aside to inspire appreciation for and awareness of the earth's environment. It is celebrated by people in different countries, all over the world, all sharing an appreciation of the planet and a dedication to protecting its natural resources. It is a time for people to come together to think about what we can do to preserve and protect the earth as well as to take action in small and large ways.

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Although the first Earth Day took place 35 years ago in the United States, the global concern for the environment has steadily grown, especially in the face of increasing pollution and environmental threats. Recent studies have shown that today's children, however, are spending less and less time outdoors, which means they have less time to experience and appreciate nature firsthand.

Children will want to care for what is familiar. When they only see nature through a video screen, they do not form the same connection as digging in the dirt, rolling on the grass, or using sticks to search for insects. Earth Day is an ideal opportunity to connect children with the outdoors and the vibrant world around them.

As Earth Day approaches, your child may be involved in projects and activities that foster an awareness of and appreciation for the earth's resources. To extend the learning that takes place in your child's center or school and make caring for the earth part of your family culture, we encourage you to make time for some green activities every Earth Day.

Try reviewing your family practices to see if they are earth friendly: attend community events like farmer's markets, read books about the environment, spend time in the natural world together, and plan family activities that give children the message, "It's my world, I can and will take care of it."

Below are a few suggested family practices to make every day Earth Day:

1. Bike, walk, or use public transportation when possible instead of driving.
2. Turn off lights, TVs, and other electronic equipment, when not in use.
3. Turn off the water faucet after washing hands or while brushing teeth.
4. Reuse items as much as possible (e.g. wrap gifts in fabric scrap or recycled newspaper instead of gift wrap, pack lunches in reusable sacks and containers instead of paper or plastic).
5. Recycle cardboard, paper, and plastics.
6. Draw, paint, and write on recycled paper (and use recycled computer paper for your printer).
7. Use fans instead of air conditioners.
8. Try to buy organic foods free of pesticides and chemical additives.
9. Start a compost pile for your food scraps and lawn clippings.
10. Make a habit of picking up any litter you see.
11. Avoid using aerosol sprays and styrofoam.
12. Reduce your overall use of plastic packaging. For example, use your own cloth bags for groceries.
13. Purchase items that are not individually wrapped.
14. Donate items that you no longer need.
15. Share items such as lawnmowers and machines that aren't needed on a regular basis.

Earth Day can also be an occasion to engage in family activities that are nature or ecology oriented:

1. Take a nature walk: Bring a magnifying glass, an insect and plant manual, and a sketch book. 
2. See how many plants, flowers, and bugs you can identify and draw.
3. Construct nature creations: Collect a variety of outdoor items such as leaves, sticks, flowers, and rocks, and create unique art projects.
4. Try "earth painting:" Finger paint with mud on sidewalks or paper or use non-toxic watercolors to paint river rocks. The water will wash the paint away.
5. Make pinecone birdfeeders: Cover a large pinecone with peanut butter and birdseed, hang outside your window, and enjoy the sights and sounds of the bird visitors as they feast.
6. Clean a community area: Take your children to their favorite park, woods, or even for a stroll around your neighborhood. Pick up all the litter you can find and see who can collect the biggest bag. 
7. Take the time to explain the effects litter has on our environment.
8. Virtually adopt an animal: Check with your local zoo or other nature-oriented organization, such as the Save the Manatee Club. Your child can look at pictures and read about his or her new "pet."
9. Create a Recycle, Reuse, Reduce collage: Use "trash" (paper scraps, labels, junk mail, and other found items) and glue to create a multimedia masterpiece.

3 Easy Ways to Volunteer, Even As A Busy Family

In today’s world, yes we have over-scheduled children. Our family calendars are packed with so many extra-curricular and enrichment activities, it’s a wonder that our kids have time to eat, sleep and finish homework. And while kids are so busy, they (and we) are increasingly disconnected from each other a family while we are drawn to devices and screens.

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 Parents are searching for ways to reconnect, to keep kids grounded and grateful and to fight against the rising feel of negativity and cynicism. I believe that family service is the answer: a proven way to achieve these goals for your own family while improving the lives of others in your community.

Volunteering together helps parents raise compassionate, empathetic kids with the added bonus of creating warm family memories. But how can you find the time, in the midst of all the other commitments crowding a busy family’s schedule?

There’s no question that there are many benefits to volunteering with kids and that it is worth the time and effort it often takes to do so. Inevitably, though, saying “yes” to service means saying “no” to something else. It will require a little bit of planning, some creativity, an open mind and most importantly, a sense of purpose.

1. Let the school calendar, holidays and seasons help you create new family traditions around service.

At the end of each month, take a few moments to identify upcoming holidays, days off from school and family milestone celebrations when you might volunteer together.

2. Incorporate Volunteer service into Things Your Family is Already Doing.

If your child is hosting a playdate with a few friends, add a kindness activity to the afternoon of fun. Kids can bake cookies and create cheerful cards to deliver to your local fire station, police precinct or nursing home.

When planning your child’s birthday party or other milestone event, ask them to select a charity they’d like to support with their celebration and incorporate a donation drive or related hands-on service project, or ask for donations in lieu of gifts.

3. Practice Random Acts of Kindness Throughout Your Day

Every day presents countless opportunities to practice kindness with kids. As you head to the market, offer to pick up groceries for a homebound neighbor. Bring a hot cup of coffee to the crossing guard on a cold day (or a cold drink during a heat wave). Pick up trash as you walk around your neighborhood. Hold the door and smile at the next person coming through the entrance. Allow your kids to leave a few coins in the tip jar at the coffee shop.

Your one small, simple act might have a ripple effect in changing a person’s day and the gratitude your child receives will make them feel great, too.

Finding time for family service allows you to live your values while spreading compassion and joy in a world that is in desperate need of both. Children feel pride in serving and reap the benefits of flexing their empathy “muscles.” There is no magic formula—parents simply need to keep an open heart, an observant eye and a positive intention.

Every day and in every busy schedule, there’s always time to do good.