The Moms Code: Halloween Mayhem

Written by Eileen Wacker

Halloween is a scary time for year for me, not because I’m afraid of ghosts, but rather because Halloween always ends up putting this mom in the eye of the storm.

Halloween is a controversial holiday in our house. I have four teenagers; no, that is not a ghost story - I actually do. Sometimes the kids can’t wait to decide which costume, friends to go with, and candy routes to pursue. The excitement level and anticipation are huge. But other times (maybe even in the same week), another child declares Halloween to be ‘stupid and babyish’. Yesterday, one of mine yelled, “I’m done with Halloween and I’m never dressing up again!” This happened with no obvious provocation that I observed.

Learn more about The Moms Code and the tenets of being a happy Mom.

This, I have to say does not happen with birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, long weekends with Monday holidays that I don’t know the name of anymore. It is really specific to Ghouls Day.

As a mom, I just try to roll with the household dynamics. Then, today the storm hit. My third child is anxious and has the decision – “do I trick or treat or keep praying I get invited to that party I’m not invited to?” I don’t know how to answer that.

Halloween falls within many important processes. My oldest is doing college apps. She resembles a fire-breathing, knife-wielding dragon if I’m being honest and that’s when she’s sleeping. Halloween is the night before the first round of apps are due. Today, that is a crisis. “Who picked Halloween to be on such a stupid date?” she demands to know. I start to say, “Well, I think Halloween staked a claim to that date…” I’m cut off with a laser glare. I ask, “Get it? Halloween staked?” She rolls her eyes and walks out.

My son started strength and conditioning for basketball. The rules do not allow the coach to hold tryouts until the end of November, so they hold faux team practices, also known as strength and conditioning. Finally, my middle school daughter is in the middle of tennis team tryouts. Of course, she goes down in PE ‘dodgeball’ and I get the call. Please get her an Xray to ensure her arm is not broken.

Many proud parents just like you appreciate multi-cultural education for your children.  Find this award-winning book series by clicking here.  

My daughter, who swore off ever wearing a costume again, calls me and says, “Okay, I changed my mind. My friends and I are going as social butterflies. I’m twitter. I need blue wings and a blue tutu, and, you can only find them at Walmart.”

I say, “Walmart, on a Friday before a holiday?  No way! And I’ve been at the hospital with your sister for three hours to hear she does not, in fact, have a broken arm!”

Of course an hour later, I’m buying Halloween costumes in Walmart and they have Christmas decorations already.

I say to a random floor associate. “We moms are tired and overworked. We don’t need the holidays all blending together!” The associate just stares at me. I mutter to a fake Santa, “Holidays, just stay in your own lane!”

Then, I buy more candy than we could ever consume, find the blue tutu and wings and fight an ocean of people to pay. The good news is I’ve survived another Halloween and the night of, when the kids dress up exactly as they like and have a great time, I sigh and think, “Halloween is such a fun holiday.”

How 'Helicopter Parents' Are Actually Setting Their Children Back in Life

Parents just want the best for their kids. They care about their child’s mental and physical well being and just want them to be happy and successful. However, in the last few years there have been an increasing number of parents who take their caring and concern to a new level even after their child has left home. A college student’s parents may no longer be physically present in his or her daily life, but that does not mean that certain parents are any less involved. Parents are making themselves known to their college student’s professors, advisers, counselors, and even the school president. President of Frostburg State University, Jonathan Gibralter, says he has actually had parents call him directly to complain about fights between their child and his or her roommate, rather than just advising their child to speak with a resident adviser. 

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

These “helicopter parents” are always going to bat for their children, pushing them to succeed, and constantly advocating for them, however, in the cloud of their concern and protectiveness, many of these parents fail to see the harm it can actually cause. While a certain level of parental involvement may help boost a student’s confidence and keep them on the right track, too much involvement sets them back. If a child learns to depend on his or her parents for everything and never learn to do anything for themselves, they are much less likely to flourish with their new found independence. 

Results from recent studies have shown that over-parenting tends to decrease a child’s coping skills, their sense of accomplishment and ability to be independent, as well as their ability to deal with the workplace. Students who call or text their parents constantly and depend on them to assist in all their decision-making processes are more likely to have trouble adapting to their new environment and may quickly become homesick. 

The author of a recent article on the subject gave an example of a female student whose parents actually did all of her papers and homework throughout her college career, so she would graduate with an extremely high GPA. Unfortunately, when she graduated and entered into a career, she suffered from terrible anxiety and would experience an anxiety attack anytime she was met with a challenging problem or situation.

While letting go proves extremely difficult for any parent, but for the sake of the child it is crucial to find a balance of how involved you’re going to be once they go to college. After you say your goodbyes at the dorm, it is important to give your child the little push they need to learn how to deal with the changes coming at them and properly adjust to their new environment. This doesn’t mean you can never intervene or should be concerned if they call twice a day for the first two weeks “just to say hi”, however, try to resist the urge to hover or swoop in and take control every time they have a dilemma. This may even mean discouraging them to come home at all for the first month of college or learning how to text sometimes instead of always call. 

But psychologists aren't suggesting parents should kick their child to the curb after high school and never intervene, either. They are simply recommending parents set boundaries around their level of interference to find the right balance that helps the child blossom in their new setting without feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or isolated.

The best way for parents to figure out what will work and not work with their teen is to sit down as a family and have an honest conversation about how the aspiring college student wants their experience to go, how the parents can help and support them, and how involved the child wants them to be- before the start of their freshman year. Actually leaving home and making the transition to college may change some new students’ minds about certain things as well, so when they come home for their winter break after their first semester, sit down with them again and have the same conversation to see how everything is going and determine if any changes need to be made.

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

7 Strategies for New Empty Nesters (Part 2 of 2)

Some parents struggle with this new stage more than others, but for every parent, having your last child leave home is undoubtably a time of great change and mixed emotions. On one hand you are excited for your child and feel happy for the new stage of life they are entering, but on the other, there is a certain amount of grief that is felt with their growing up and becoming more independent- becoming less dependent on you. 

There are several emotional and psychological changes one can make to try to ease some of the negative feelings associated with becoming an empty nester, such as changing your perspective (instead of thinking you are done parenting remember your role as a parent is simply changing, instead of thinking of this as the end think of it as a beginning, ect), allowing yourself to grieve, and so on- but there are also many activities you can participate in to maximize your happiness during this new chapter and minimize the anxiety and sadness. So we have compiled a list of 7 things you can do to kickstart your new life as an empty nester!

1. Make a list of goals 

They can be goals for this week, this year, or the next ten years, but writing down what types of things you would like to get accomplished in this new stage will help you to feel more excited and less nervous about the changing situation. 

2. Get busy!

Initially you will have more trouble controlling some of the emotional upset and negative thoughts, so it is important to keep yourself busy! Fill up your schedule as much as possible- go to the gym, clean the house, treat yourself to a pedicure, meet up with friends- anything to get your mind off things for a while!

3. Tell them you miss them- but not too much

As hard as it might be, let your kids call you not the other way around. They are going to be really busy getting involved in school and making new friends. But when they do call, don't feel like you can't tell them that you miss them or are thinking about them, this is a scary time with big changes for your child as well, so it will probably comfort them and mean a lot to hear those things from you. But don't tell them too much about how much you miss them because that might make them feel sad or guilty. 

To learn more about Modern Moms and The Mom Code, please visit ONCEKids Publishing website, Facebook and Twitter

4. Focus on your marriage

Once all the kids are out of the house, the dynamics between you and your husband are going to be changing for the first time in almost two decades, so really take this time to enjoy the changing relationship. Go on some special dates, make a bucket list, do something really fun together and just enjoy each other's company. 

5. Focus on your career or a new hobby

If you are a working mom, use this time to really dive into and get ahead in your career. If you were a stay at home mom, use the newfound freedom and less hectic schedule to start to do some things you have wanted to do but haven't had time for. Plant a garden, learn how to be a better cook, learn a new language- the possibilities are endless! This is the first time in your life since having children that you can really truly step back and work on yourself, so enjoy it!

6. Start a new workout routine

Continuing with the theme of working on yourself, this is the perfect time to get into a really good work out routine! Especially if you're having a down day, hitting the gym, getting some blood circulating and some endorphins pumping is almost guaranteed to make you feel better! Eating healthy and exercising aren't only good for your physical health, but excellent for your mental health as well.

7. Schedule a Girls' Night Out- or ten

There is nothing like a night out with the girls to make you feel better when you're down. And now that it is just you and your husband around, you'll have more down time- so call up your girlfriends and plan a night out with plenty of wine! With the hectic schedules and busy-ness of motherhood, it is easy to let weeks or even months slip by without getting together, so really use this time to focus on your friendships and make Girls Night Out a regular part of your new routine. Maybe even try to cultivate some new friendships or get together with a few acquaintances, you never know who you can have certain things in common with that can turn into a great friendship. 

Comment below and tell us what strategies you used to cope with becoming an empty nester! 

Has your family received a Nook, Kindle or iPad this year?  Find Fujimini Adventure Series award-winning books here.  Great family-friendly gifts.

Healing An Empty Heart From Your Empty Nest (Part 1 of 2)

It happens many times throughout motherhood, that squeeze in your chest, that inevitable ache in your heart that comes with change, a new chapter, the next step in your child's life. It starts when you have to leave your baby at daycare that first day back to work, the first time you drop them off at preschool, putting them on the bus for kindergarten- then before you know it, it's their first day of college.

Many mixed feelings come with these days, which can be confusing. On one hand you see the joy in their eyes, the big smile on their face, and feel happy for them- this is an exciting time in their lives- but on the other hand, you feel the grieving associated with change and moving on, they are leaving home and growing up. You can remember their birth, their first words, their 6th birthday, all like it was yesterday- how has time flown by so quickly? How is it possible they are 18 and now leaving for college? 

Many mothers feel tremendous worry when sending their child to college, what if they are not ready to leave home? What if they get sick or have trouble remembering to do important things? What if they party too hard or let their grades slip? These thoughts will make you feel anxious and the desire to not let them leave. But it is important to learn to let them, and these thoughts, go. Your child is 18 now, they are growing up and becoming their own person, and part of this is learning that they are going to make their own choices, as well as their own mistakes. As much as you will want to, you cannot protect and shield them from the real world forever. Just remind yourself that you did the very best job loving them and preparing them as you could, and now the rest is up to them.

The first step to coping with the change that comes with becoming an empty nester is to know that the feelings of grief and loss are both natural and inevitable- so welcome them. Know that it doesn't matter how hard you scrub the tub or organize the fridge, the tears will eventually come. But also know that it is okay, change is scary. But as scary as it is, change also an opportunity to start something new. With the ending of one chapter comes the beginning of another.

To learn more about Modern Moms and The Mom Code, please visit ONCEKids Publishing website, Facebook and Twitter

So allow yourself to think those bittersweet thoughts and feel that pang of sadness, but don't put them off and be in denial until it is time to say goodbye, or you will overwhelm yourself (and probably your child!) with the abrupt waterfall of emotions. Instead take some time in the weeks before move-in day arrives to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally with the change that is coming. 

Once the dreaded goodbye has been made and you've arrived back to your much quieter house, let the waterworks come, even allow yourself to slip into the regretful ugly cry. Get that emotional first visit to their now-empty room over with and the second (or third...okay maybe seventh) breakdown that will follow after finding their favorite stuffed animal tucked away under their bed. But once you have gotten that out of your system, it is time to get going on the start of your next chapter! 

Learn how to get going on starting your new chapter with Part 2: Strategies for New Empty Nesters

Has your family received a Nook, Kindle or iPad this year?  Find Fujimini Adventure Series award-winning books here.  Great family-friendly gifts.