Moms Code Chronicles #1: Dull Moments?

Written by Eileen Wacker

I had a tough day today. Two of my four kids had no school due to a teacher development day so it should have been a simple and straightforward day. But it never turns out that way.

As my 12 year-old went to exit the car, I noticed the shorts she wore were not within dress code. She said she had extra in her locker. My son said, “Wow only two days left until we go to LA to shoot the series.” I’m not sure what we were thinking letting him audition. We live in Honolulu. My stress level went up and my face flushed red. “Have a great day buddy. Love you both lots.” Off they went with their backpacks and water bottles.

I drove to play tennis, my favorite way to relieve stress and I have a boatload of it. I like the people I play with and we play really early so moms can be back on the clock by 9 AM. The pro said, “Don’t forget to turn your ringers off. Let’s play tennis, not jungle ball.” He’s talking to me. If I don’t silence my phone, it rings off the hook and I get so distracted wondering if there is an issue, I start to hit impossibly wild shots.

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

As I exit tennis, I see three missed calls from the school. The nurse tells me via voicemail that my 13 year-old son has been hit in face by a soccer ball and he can’t move his neck. I need to bring him to the doctors to get checked out. No choice but to pick him up in tennis clothes after not answering the calls.

I have a call with an independent school so my son can go to school on set while they are shooting the series. I send an email to push it back an hour. I get a voicemail back expressing concern and wondering if I have told the studio my son is injured. Shoot! I’m such a rookie. I call over the radio in my car and explain that everything is okay. His neck isn’t fractured; he just has whiplash.

I rush him home and pick up my other son. I have to confirm his parent conference time because I was sure I would remember it and never wrote it down. He is a different learner so I never know how things are going to go. There are no fires to put out! He’s proud and I’m proud.

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There are two more pick-ups, a friend drop off, a tennis lesson, a basketball game (we volunteered to tape all the games in a moment of weakness), a running session, an alleged swimmer’s ear and two tests to prepare for tomorrow.

My kids are eating chicken Katsu for dinner. It’s Asian Shake-and-Bake chicken but saying chicken Katsu sounds so much better. I tell them I’m not hungry and watch them eat. The truth is, I’m having wine and ice cream sandwiches for dinner. And my happy hour companion is our puppy. Moms never have a dull moment, ever. I could use a dull moment or two.

Mom's code tenet: save her when she's drowning

How 'Helicopter Parents' Are Actually Setting Their Children Back in Life

Parents just want the best for their kids. They care about their child’s mental and physical well being and just want them to be happy and successful. However, in the last few years there have been an increasing number of parents who take their caring and concern to a new level even after their child has left home. A college student’s parents may no longer be physically present in his or her daily life, but that does not mean that certain parents are any less involved. Parents are making themselves known to their college student’s professors, advisers, counselors, and even the school president. President of Frostburg State University, Jonathan Gibralter, says he has actually had parents call him directly to complain about fights between their child and his or her roommate, rather than just advising their child to speak with a resident adviser. 

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

These “helicopter parents” are always going to bat for their children, pushing them to succeed, and constantly advocating for them, however, in the cloud of their concern and protectiveness, many of these parents fail to see the harm it can actually cause. While a certain level of parental involvement may help boost a student’s confidence and keep them on the right track, too much involvement sets them back. If a child learns to depend on his or her parents for everything and never learn to do anything for themselves, they are much less likely to flourish with their new found independence. 

Results from recent studies have shown that over-parenting tends to decrease a child’s coping skills, their sense of accomplishment and ability to be independent, as well as their ability to deal with the workplace. Students who call or text their parents constantly and depend on them to assist in all their decision-making processes are more likely to have trouble adapting to their new environment and may quickly become homesick. 

The author of a recent article on the subject gave an example of a female student whose parents actually did all of her papers and homework throughout her college career, so she would graduate with an extremely high GPA. Unfortunately, when she graduated and entered into a career, she suffered from terrible anxiety and would experience an anxiety attack anytime she was met with a challenging problem or situation.

While letting go proves extremely difficult for any parent, but for the sake of the child it is crucial to find a balance of how involved you’re going to be once they go to college. After you say your goodbyes at the dorm, it is important to give your child the little push they need to learn how to deal with the changes coming at them and properly adjust to their new environment. This doesn’t mean you can never intervene or should be concerned if they call twice a day for the first two weeks “just to say hi”, however, try to resist the urge to hover or swoop in and take control every time they have a dilemma. This may even mean discouraging them to come home at all for the first month of college or learning how to text sometimes instead of always call. 

But psychologists aren't suggesting parents should kick their child to the curb after high school and never intervene, either. They are simply recommending parents set boundaries around their level of interference to find the right balance that helps the child blossom in their new setting without feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or isolated.

The best way for parents to figure out what will work and not work with their teen is to sit down as a family and have an honest conversation about how the aspiring college student wants their experience to go, how the parents can help and support them, and how involved the child wants them to be- before the start of their freshman year. Actually leaving home and making the transition to college may change some new students’ minds about certain things as well, so when they come home for their winter break after their first semester, sit down with them again and have the same conversation to see how everything is going and determine if any changes need to be made.

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

Are Schools Pushing Our Children to the Limit and Making them Sick?

Is homework causing your child to get sick? This is a question that might result in some eye rolls, but reliable research and surveys conducted in middle-class areas present a pretty convincing case. 

Pressure for children to succeed in both sports and in the classroom has led to a desire, fueled both by parents and teachers, to not only achieve but overachieve. Of course we want our kids to be the best they can be and succeed in everything they do, and having a slightly competitive spirit is not a terrible thing given society’s competitive nature- but are we pushing our kids too far? 

Denise Pope, a senior lecturer at the Stanford Graduate School of Education and co-author of a study on Experimental Education, says that these days children are doing an average of three hours of homework per night, some less and some up to five hours. The problem has become so severe that some schools even have to place a limit on the amount of homework teachers are allowed to give. High achieving schools are separating kids at younger and younger ages, placing them in advanced classes and honors courses in grade school! 

Pope’s study focused in on upper-middle-class school districts because it is known that affluent families whose children attend privileged schools often do not question how much homework their child is being given and, as you can imagine, parents paying a lot of money for their child to be a student at a particular school expect results. But how is the pressure

privileged schools put on children affecting their health and happiness? To answer this question, Pope conducted a survey of over 4,300 students from 10 high-performance high schools. The results showed that 56% of students felt homework was the primary cause of stress in their lives. These levels of stress due to excessive homework not only affected the happiness of the students, but also their physical well being. The connection was very clear, high levels of stress were causing all kinds of physical problems, including sleep deprivation, weight loss, migraines, stomach aches, and even ulcers. Not to mention the impacts stress had on their mental health as well, causing depression and high levels of anxiety. Although the study was conducted with high school students, Pope also has data that presents the same conclusions with younger students. 

To stretch even beyond just homework, by having these attitudes drilled into student’s heads  at a  young age we are setting ourselves up to raise a self-centered, overly competitive, and“all work no play, winner-takes-all” generation of people. 

So how can we fix the issue and help our children’s mental and physical health while still raising smart, hard working people? Pope says the level of homework that showed the best results is two hours for high schoolers and a maximum of 90 minutes for middle schoolers, as well as finding a balance between sports and time to just relax. And it is up to parents to monitor their child’s health and find a way to teach them responsibility and being a hard worker without going overboard!