The Mom’s Code – Judging Moms: Food Glorious Food (Part Three of Five)

Written by Eileen Wacker

(with contributed stories from mom friends)

I don’t want to be judged on my baking skills. I’m too busy to imitate Betty Crocker and the only time I liked Martha Stewart was when she was in jail. Nonetheless, I don’t want my store-bought treats sent to the back ‘table of shame’ with the other grocery bags. Plastic bag + purchased sugary treat = bad mom! I don’t want to suggest an ‘equal opportunity handling of treats’ policy either. Truthfully, I’d prefer to not care.

The Moms Code Tenet #1: Stop the Mama Drama

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Growing up, no one told me that one day, I would care deeply about kids eating my cupcakes. If I send something in, I always ask my child, “Did the kids like the brownies? Did the teacher eat one?” I’m not sure why I care. If I am at the event, I always watch just a little to see if kids are taking items from my plate.

As I was musing potential reasons, two moms, known on campus to be part of the power mom faction, complained to the teacher about the fast food chicken and sugar-filled cupcakes. One of the complainers brought rambutan skewers that no child selected. The teacher looked uncomfortable and KFC mom deflated. Then her little boy ran over, hugged her and said, “You’re the best mom ever. Everyone loved the chicken. Thanks, mom!”

I eyed the empty KFC bucket, wondering if I had the guts to bring fast food to a school event. The kids love it. Then the mystery was unlocked. I care about other moms thinking I’m lazy or don’t care about nutrition. It took me a while to feel comfortable enough to send what worked for me (schedule wise and other constraints) and not worry about other mom’s making judgments about what people send in.

For me, it comes down to my reaction to the commercial, “choosy mothers choose Jif”. I don’t choose Jif. I choose Skippy peanut butter. But I consider myself a choosy mother. Children’s nutrition comes up a lot when I talk to moms. Every mom feels pressure to do the ‘right thing.’ I admit it. I hide my face if I enter Taco Bell and see someone I know. Last week, I walked back out like I wandered in by mistake.

The Moms Code Tenet #5: Stand Up To 'Mom Tormentors'

Growing up, I can’t remember this hyper focus on food. We ate dinner every night with either milk or water, and had dessert most nights. We liked some foods better than others but, more or less, we ate what was put in front of us, hiding dreaded veggies in napkins or stuffing our mouths and spitting it out in the bathroom. I’m assuming my mom knew about some of these dinner antics, but largely let them go. I guess she opted not to pick this battle.

Every Monday, we have breakfast for dinner. It’s the best meal of the week from my kids’ perspective. It’s their kind of food and easy for me. The short order cook in me comes out and they can have eggs, French toast, pancakes, ham, bacon, all in one meal. They say, “Hooray, it’s breakfast for dinner night!” They never rave about my beef bourguignon but they claim I make the best French toast ever. And it’s nothing special. It’s special because I make them ‘plain’, no extra butter or powdered sugar or topped with a raspberry. Just bread dipped in eggs, cream and a drop of vanilla extract on a buttered skillet. And my ‘particular’ eater gets hers cut in triangles. How does the shape of the food impact the taste?  Some of my mom friends weighed in with their stories.

Joanna, picky eater paranoia

My kids’ favorite food is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I didn't eat it for ten years until the kids came along. Now that powered cheese calls to me. I secretly make two boxes so I can eat one by myself and stuff the boxes to the bottom of the trash. I put out carrot and apple slices and no one eats them, until my husband gets home. And McDonalds is not evidence of my nutritional values as a mom. It’s not a destination I decided to go to earlier in the day. It is not a punishment or a reward. For my children or myself. It is an indication, a direct reflection, of how my day is going. The other indication is my pot brownies but I don’t share those.

The Moms Code Tenet #6: Check Your 'Judgeyness' at the door

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Beth, food intolerance takes on a new meaning

My friend, Amy, is really into healthy food, which I understand and respect. But she’s gone overboard. She sends food and snacks with her children when they go on play dates. They do not have any food allergies and it’s not ‘special sweets for all’. It makes me feel bad when she does this, as if she is superior. Plus I don’t want to be her enforcer on the play dates. The kids don’t want to eat the food she sends so her kids beg me to have chicken nuggets, graham crackers, goldfish or whatever I have. And when my kids go to her place, she tells them they should eat healthier. They have a typical kids’ diet – not really that unhealthy!

Nikki, good luck root beer

A few years ago, my daughter went through a phase—she swore she won every soccer match when she had a cheeseburger and root beer from McDonalds. My husband said we were being manipulated. She became very agitated before a big game, insisting she needed her special food. I didn’t really care if she ate McDonalds but my parents were visiting and I didn’t want to cave. My dad said, ‘it’s so silly, the power of fast food and advertising on these kids.’ We went to the match with a mini-cooler containing water, graham crackers and orange slices. When we arrived, Mackenzie ran in to warm up with her team. She lacked her usual spark. The coach called her on it and said this was a tough team and she needed to bring her ‘A’ game. She said something to the coach and he hurriedly approached us on the sidelines. ‘She needs a root beer and cheeseburger. Hurry, we have fifteen minutes of warm-ups left!’ I jumped up and my dad said, ‘no I’ll take a ride and get it.’ She only had a few sips and bites but she felt better and played really well. For almost two years, we left an extra fifteen minutes before matches so we could swing by the drive through for a root beer and cheeseburger.

Elena, food choice shame

In Hawaii, kids grow up eating spam and a snack called a spam musabi is very common. The snack has spam, rice and seaweed. Spam has many negative associations with it, especially nutrition. My husband is from the mainland and his family is connected to my kids on Instagram. I had a battle with my daughter over a photo she posted of her and her brother eating spam. I don’t know why I made such a big deal about it, but I did. Then I started making rules about what food they could and couldn’t post—no junk food or soda, no fast food. I could tell they thought I was acting crazy, but they don’t want me to take them off Instagram so they cooperated.

Misty, score is McDonalds 500, veggies 2

My seven-year old son is a very picky eater. I was nagging him to eat his vegetables, saying he always has an appetite for junk food but suddenly he’s not hungry for good food. I reminded him that there are some kids who go to bed hungry and don’t have enough to eat. He said, “We talked about those kids at school and we’re having a canned food drive to bring them food. My teacher said they eat from the McDonalds dollar menu because it’s cheaper than buying food at the grocery store. So these kids get something called obased (he meant obese) but they are still hungry. I told my teacher that I want to donate all our vegetables to them and I’ll eat all their McDonalds until they’re not obased. She said I better ask you first.

The Moms Code Tenet #8: Save your children -- when you have to

Lydia, secrets and lies

As a busy mom, my biggest chore was preparing meals. While I’m a wonderful mother, I’m a horrible cook and there were many times I couldn’t bring myself to force my children to eat my gray meat. I was so afraid of salmonella that I overcooked everything until it tasted like a shoe. My friends would be somewhat snobby about their cooking skills. So I secretly let my kids eat anything they wanted. And when markets started to offer prepared meals, I kept it a secret and served the food to my delighted family. I took the meals out of the store containers, put them in my pans, added a few spices, served them on my dishes and hid the containers. I did this for meals when we had company and never confessed it wasn’t my cooking. Quite a few of the town gossips were intensely curious about my wonderful cooking, but no one could catch me. The butcher who prepared many of the meals became my trusted confidant and even created a Lydia burger that only I could buy. My husband noticed the grocery bills going up and up, and asked what was going on. When I told him it wasn’t actually my cooking, he laughed and said he’d keep my secret. He was also relieved I wasn’t having an affair with anyone at the grocery store.

Beth, losing the baggage

I am forever telling my kids to eat everything on their plates because of guilt I have about wasting food. I also want them to get enough nutrition (they’re little and too skinny). Many times, I’m like a drill sergeant yelling at them to drink more milk or water. I am a meal micro manager, to the extent that often I cut up the meat on my ten-year-old’s plate so he has no excuse not to finish his food. But I’m trying to stop. I recently read that the best gift you can give your children from a nutritional perspective is to tell them to stop eating when they are full and use dinner as a time to connect as a family (rather than yell at the kids). From now on in my house, if you’re not hungry, you don’t have to finish. My pediatrician supported my decision, reminding me that most people have to watch their weight their entire adult life. I’ve adjusted the portion sizes down and I’m starting early to teach ‘stop eating’ rather than what I was taught which is, “It’s polite to finish everything on your plate”’ or “You can’t be excused from the table without a clean plate,” or “People in the world are starving, don't waste your food.” The next thing I’m working on is disguising leftovers so the kids will eat them…

Back to my stories! 

I have a great eater, a carb addicted eater, a PICKY eater and a good eater who likes things in a particular way. The carb addict is very tricky. His veggies disappear when I’m distracted trying to get picky eater to put something healthy in his mouth. And my little girl will eat her food if no one has messed up like put the ranch on the carrots instead of next to, so she can dip them. Good eater is the bomb but she eats so slowly I swear she wants in on the nightly mom torment. I tried everything the well-intentioned advisors told me would work with picky eater such as no chocolate milk until he’s eaten his food (or better yet only soy milk), let him go hungry, refrigerate the plate and give it to him for breakfast. After all these failed strategies, and viewing his skinny frame, I asked the pediatrician what to do. He said, “If you can stand to be a short order cook for a little while, feed him what he likes as long as it’s not junk.” He assured me plain pasta with butter, grilled cheese and chicken nuggets are fine. And he can drink all the milk he wants.

I want to weigh in on Whole Foods. I know it's the bomb digs! Organic, wholesome, natural—groceries I can feel good about. But there are so many smaller decisions involved. For example, am I ready to run into all the Type A townie moms? Am I dressed for it? I never leave the house intending to stay in work out clothes all day. Do I need to get a meal out of it? If I’m hungry, I might go to Costco and fight the senior citizens for the delicious food samples. So whether to go to Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or not is a more complex matter.

Mother’s Day Memory

Guest blog by Kenna McHugh

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” —Jane Sellman

My mother worked so hard as a single parent raising three kids on her own. Unlike today,  there were no government subsidies, tax credits, or other opportunities for help.  Yet, she instilled the value of sharing the joy of life.  

My mother worked 8-hours a day on a low salary, and she had a babysitter to help out. But, there was so much involved in raising three children.  She kept track of your school activities, our doctor and dentist appointments, we learned how to swim, and we were involved in sports.

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When I was 5 years old, my sister, brother and I had a very special Mother's Day because we truly wanted to acknowledge our mother. We decided to do the traditional “Let’s make Mom breakfast in bed!”

My sister and brother were older, so they fixed the pancakes, eggs, and orange juice. My job was to make everything look pretty. I set up the serving tray with a rose in a vase, cloth napkin, and our best plate and silverware.  The tray almost looked too heavy for my sister to carry, but she walked up to my mom’s bedroom. My brother opened the door and in walked my sister as I followed behind. My mom gradually woke up as my brother went to the right side of the bed. My sister went the left side where my mother slept, and I peered up from the foot of the bed.  Together we wished, “Happy Mother’s Day!”

My mother smiled and laughed with a hint of tears. She thanked us and ate the breakfast in bed as we watched. I kept giggling because I was so excited we were able to do something special for her. 

When my mom was done eating her breakfast, she paused, and smiled at us and asked, “What would you like to do today?”

The Moms Code author Eileen Wacker also writes the acclaimed childrens books The Fujimini Adventure Series.  Many proud parents just like you appreciate multi-cultural education for your children.  Find the book series by clicking here. 

We said, “Mom, it is your day. We want to do what you want to do.”

My mom looked out the window at the windy day, smiled, and said, “Let’s go to the park and fly your kites.”

We cleaned up, got dressed, and headed off to the park. For the first time, I was able to get the kite in the air for longer than 3 minutes. I didn’t get the kite as high as my sister or brother, but I did keep it up in the air for almost 15 minutes. While my sister and brother continued to fly their kites, I sat in my mom’s lap watching.  I felt very special being with my mom as we talked. I think I did most the talking, as she ran her fingers through my hair and listening. 

My mother made me feel special while I sat in her lap, and it made me proud to be her daughter. She is gone, now. But, she taught me the value of being with someone and making them feel special.

The Most Popular Social Media Sites Parents Need to Know About

Not too long ago Facebook was the most well-known social media site, and most often the only one in use- but those days are long over. Back then it was easier for a parent to keep track of their child’s online activity, but with new apps and sites popping up every day it is getting more and more difficult for parents to know what the heck their kids are up to on their phones and computers. Even for someone who is familiar with various social media platforms and good with technology it can get pretty confusing. With all of the changes and new additions to social media, as a parent it is a waste of time to try and become an expert with all of them, however, being familiar with what is popular right now and how different apps and social media networks are used can make a huge difference in helping your child be safe and smart online. Polly Conway has done half the work for you already by creating a list of all the most popular apps and sites right now that kids and teens are using and explained what they all are- and what to watch out for. 

1. Kik Messenger

This is a free texting app with no message or character limits and no fees. 

What parents should know:

• It's loaded with ads and in-app-purchases. Kik specializes in "promoted chats" -- basically, conversations between brands and users. It also offers specially designed apps (accessible only through the main app), many of which offer products for sale.
• There's some stranger danger. An app named OinkText, linked to Kik, allows communication with strangers who share their Kik usernames to find people to chat with. There's also a Kik community blog where users can submit photos of themselves and screenshots of messages (sometimes displaying users' full names) to contests.

2. Instagram

This lets users snap, edit, and share photos and 15-second videos, either publicly or with a private network of followers. It unites the most popular features of social media sites: sharing, seeing, and commenting on photos. It also lets you apply fun filters and effects to your photos, making them look high quality and artistic.

What parents should know:

• Teens are on the lookout for "likes." Similar to the way they use Facebook, teens may measure the "success" of their photos -- even their self-worth -- by the number of likes or comments they receive. Posting a photo or video can be problematic if teens post it to validate their popularity.
• Public photos are the default. Photos and videos shared on Instagram are public unless privacy settings are adjusted. Hashtags and location information can make photos even more visible to communities beyond a teen's followers if his or her account is public.
• Private messaging is now an option. Instagram Direct allows users to send "private messages" to up to 15 mutual friends. These pictures don't show up on their public feeds. Although there's nothing wrong with group chats, kids may be more likely to share inappropriate stuff with their inner circles.

3. Tumblr

This site is like a cross between a blog and Twitter: It's a streaming scrapbook of text, photos, and/or videos and audio clips. Users create and follow short blogs, or "tumblelogs," that can be seen by anyone online (if made public). Many teens have tumblelogs for personal use: sharing photos, videos, musings, and things they find funny with their friends.

What parents should know:

• Porn is easy to find. This online hangout is hip and creative but sometimes raunchy. Pornographic images and videos and depictions of violence, self-harm, drug use, and offensive language are easily searchable.
• Privacy can be guarded but only through an awkward workaround. The first profile a member creates is public and viewable by anyone on the Internet. Members who desire full privacy have to create a second profile, which they're able to password-protect.
• Posts are often copied and shared. Reblogging on Tumblr is similar to re-tweeting: A post is reblogged from one tumblelog to another. Many teens like -- and, in fact, want -- their posts reblogged. But do you really want your kids' words and photos on someone else's page?

4. Vine

 This is a social media app that lets users post and watch looping six-second video clips. This Twitter-owned service has developed a unique community of people who post videos that are often creative, funny, and sometimes thought-provoking. Teens usually use Vine to create and share silly videos of themselves and/or their friends and families.

What parents should know:

• It's full of inappropriate videos. In three minutes of random searching, we came across a clip full of full-frontal male nudity, a woman in a fishnet shirt with her breasts exposed, and people blowing marijuana smoke into each other's mouths.
• There are significant privacy concerns. The videos you post, the accounts you follow, and the comments you make on videos all are public by default. But you can adjust your settings to protect your posts; only followers will see them, and you have to approve new followers.

5. Whisper

Whisper is a social "confessional" app that allows users to post whatever's on their minds, paired with an image. With all the emotions running through teens, anonymous outlets give them the freedom to share their feelings without fear of judgment.

What parents should know:

• Whispers are often sexual in nature. Some users use the app to try to hook up with people nearby, while others post "confessions" of desire. Lots of eye-catching nearly nude pics accompany these shared secrets.
• Content can be dark. People normally don't confess sunshine and rainbows; common Whisper topics include insecurity, depression, substance abuse, and various lies told to employers and teachers.
• Although it's anonymous to start, it may not stay that way. The app encourages users to exchange personal information in the "Meet Up" section.

6. Secret- Speak Freely

This is a social-media app that's designed to let people voice whatever's on their minds anonymously. Similar to Whisper, Secret lets people vent, confess, and share freely -- without anyone knowing who said what.

What parents should know:

• It tries to prevent users from defaming others. When Secret first launched in Silicon Valley, its adult users started using it to smack-talk their coworkers and bosses. Secret now detects when you mention someone by name (most of the time) and sends you a warning about it.
• It requires some private information. Despite the fact that it promises anonymity, it requires your email address and phone number.
• Kids may encounter strong language. We came across "hell" and "f--k" almost immediately.

To read the rest of the 15 apps and sites on Polly’s list, click here

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

How Walmart Empowers Women

Walmart represents one of the biggest promotors of female leadership in our country, and that becomes clear just by looking at the Forbes 400, the list of the 400 wealthiest people in America. 

Alice and Christy Walton, two women in the family behind Walmart, are changing the game of leadership in this country by making their way to the top ten on the Forbes 400 list. They are actually the only women in the top ten. In fact, Christy and Alice Walton are two of the 34 women who make the cut. This means that only 8% of the entire list are women. This reality is not because women in the world lack the ability, motivation, or desire for entrepreneurial success- but because throughout history and still today, they often lack the opportunity and support necessary. 

Walmart is looking to change that reality and shape the business world as we know it to become a place where women and men alike can flourish. Through the launching of the Empowering Women Together program as well as an online space where business women around the world can talk and exchange ideas, Walmart hopes to spark the fire that attracts more women to the business word through opportunity. It is their hope that providing women with these opportunities will improve hard working women’s lives and the lives of their families while creating jobs and bringing together communities. 

To further demonstrate their cause not just through words, but actions, each supplier of the Empowering Women Together program is a women-owned business or a company with the mission of supporting and creating women-owned businesses. 

70% of the people living in poverty are women and less than 7% of the venture capital goes to female start-up companies, Walmart and countless others are trying to change this and enhance the quality of life of women everywhere by allowing them to fulfill the “American dream” that everyone, not just men, dream of. 

All Female Group 'The Mrs' Wants Women Everywhere to Know They Are Enough in this Powerful Video

A touching video is going viral across social media mediums right now with a powerful message behind it. The all female group The Mrs wants women everywhere to know that they are beautiful on the inside and the outside, that they are love and appreciated, and that they are always enough. 

Watch as a group of women stand in front of an interactive mirror and are asked how they feel about what they see in the reflection. Most of the women respond with something along the lines of “okay”, “not great”, “hot mess” and so on until the voice behind the mirror steps in to show them how wrong they really are. 

Watch the moving video and join the fight to let the people you love know that they are enough just the way they are.

Click below to watch and get your tissues ready!

ONCEKids Publishing is run by literacy advocate and Mompreneur Eileen Wacker.  Click here to find her acclaimed books

New Research Raises Questions as to What Truly Makes Parents Happy

In the past, the major focus of parenting has gone to what makes the child happy and what kind of parenting is best for the them. But the last few years have seen a slight shift in this focus, from solely on the happiness of the children to the happiness of the parents as well. This has brought up a lot of curiosity as to what gives adults’ lives true fulfillment and happiness. 

Previously, it has always been thought that having children is what gives people’s lives fulfillment, but recently that has become a topic of debate. The question has become a heavily researched subject, drawing results that conclude there are only small differences between the reported happiness between parents and non parents. These findings raise another question- does true fulfillment derive more from one’s marriage rather than their role as a parent? 

Attempts to answer this question are being made by researchers around the world. A study conducted by Princeton found that 40% of married couples reported being “very happy” while only 23% of unmarried parents reported those same feelings. This could lead us to consider that it is our marital status rather than how many children we have that affects how we feel about our lives. 

Less debated is the observation that the role fathers and mothers play within the household has begun to shift, resulting in a change in the dynamic between spouses as well. In general, today parents spend on average a lot more time with their children then they ever have before. This change is seen especially with fathers, who spend “triple the amount of time with their children than fathers in 1965”. We should also think about how this shift in parenting has affected our satisfaction in our marriage and overall levels of happiness.  

So what does being a parent mean to you? How does it affect the happiness and fulfillment you feel in your life? And how does being a parent play into your happiness as a husband or wife? 

What It's Like to be the Parent of an Olympic Athlete

Throughout the training process and the Olympics themselves, the coaches of the competing athletes are recognized for their support and guidance. But what many people do not think about are the athlete’s other kind of coach- their parents. 

From the first moment the aspiring Olympian picked up their skis, skates, or hockey sticks, it was their parents who provided the emotional and physical (not to mention financial!) support- guiding them through the joy of victory and the pain of losses. It was the parents who provided the funds, who drove them around here there and everywhere for competitions, who encouraged them, and who celebrated with them during their wins and suffered with them through the heartache of defeat. And with their parent’s unwavering support, all of those years of injuries, sweat, tears, and smiles led them to their dream this winter- competing in the 2014 Sochi Olympics. We have heard many times what it was like for the athletes who competed- but it left me wondering, what was the experience like for their parents? 

Even for the regular audience members, witnessing the victory of an Olympic athlete can be a rush of emotions hard to describe, and for the parent, watching their child achieve their a whole new level. 

dream when they were first hand witnesses of the years of hard work and dedication, well, the emotions felt in that moment reach

This emotion could be seen on the face of Olympian Chris Hoy’s mother, Carol Hoy, as she witnessed her son win his sixth Olympic gold medal, becoming the most successful British Olympian ever. Unable to even watch, the mother covered her eyes and clapped her hands until she heard the roar of the crowd, indicating his victory, when she then abruptly burst into tears of pure joy. 

When interviewed, Cheryl Davis and Jacqui White, moms of the 2014 Sochi Olympians Meryl Davis and Charlie White, discuss the ups and downs of being a parent to an “lucky” Uggs she owns and wears the same jewelry that she wore during a victory, in hopes to repeat the win. Davis talks about how she brings a pad of paper and a pen to each game and writes down all the skater’s scores. She says it is more of a distraction from the nervousness than a superstition. 

Olympian. Both moms talk about how they have certain rituals and superstitions that have developed throughout the years and years of watching their children’s games. White laughs about how she always wears a pair of

One of the most interesting aspects of their interview was when both moms agreed that they hate the word “sacrifice” being used to describe what got their children to where they are today. While they agree that a tremendous amount of time and money was put into the years of training, to them it was work that they “really enjoyed and really loved, so it doesn’t fall in the ‘sacrifice’ label.” 

When asked what it felt like to watch their children compete for the gold this year, the only word the mother could find in response was that it was a feeling that was “indescribable”.

So a huge thank you to all the parents out there who supported our Olympians through all of the crushing defeats and euphoric victories through this year’s Winter Olympics! And an additional thank you to all the parents who pour their time and support into their little athletes that will one day become Olympic hopefuls!