My Journey to The Mom's Code; Part Three (of five) It's not all Facebook Fabulous

Written by:
Eileen Wacker

This is Part three.

TO FIND PART TWO, CLICK HERE.

The strangest feeling pushed its way into my soul. That it had to be me at home raising ‘them’, the four ankle biters. That I couldn’t leave this immense responsibility to anyone else - not even our greatest babysitter. Part of me wanted it to be me. I wanted to be thought of as a good mom. I wanted the damn ‘world’s greatest mom’ mug.

Tenet 8: Save your children -- when you have to

Moms need a community to share, laugh and cry together :) Learn more about The Moms Code and the tenets of being a Mom. 

My husband often reminded me how lucky I was to stay home, but I was very conflicted. I was down in a playpen arena fighting it out and he was in the luxury box after work, observing everything, ready to comment as the plays unfolded, if he was home, which was not a lot. I also felt the balance of power in our relationship shifting and I didn’t like it. All of a sudden his career took uncontested priority while a Little Tykes shopping cart bulldozed mine. Sometimes after work, he would walk into a kitchen of cheeriness, with a bubbly wife sharing all the news of the day; other times, he would enter a dangerous den with a chardonnay-holding tiger ready to pounce due to all the day’s cumulative injustices. I understood perfectly that play date politics, pick-up line transgressions and volunteer jobs at school turning into power plays, were not life changing issues, but as he learned the hard way, pointing that out over and over was not a good idea, especially if he did it with an eye roll.

I had not made time to meet other moms in our suburban town until school started. Luckily, the kids got into the adorable town nursery school. On the first day of school, I met the nicest group of moms and danced to my car, singing along to Pink, gleeful at having 2 ½ hours relatively free, with only one baby, who I planned to force naps upon so I had at least an hour alone! So, my two biggest kids went to nursery school, I had a baby at home, and was pregnant with the fourth. I enthusiastically planned play dates, put the kids in activities with other kids (whose moms I liked J), and threw kiddie holiday parties.

Tenet 7: Nourish your soul with Girls' Night Outs

Proud parents just like you are looking for a new, fun (and educational) picture book series for your children.  Find the award-winning Fujimini Adventure book series by clicking here. 

Becoming part of a mom group was life changing. Moms need other moms. The discussions I hated pre-kids were now very relevant. The women quickly became important to me. I trusted them. I was part of something meaningful. There was realness and honesty about something precious to all of us. Raising our beloved ankle biters.

These dinners were different from work dinners as we endlessly discussed our kids. We shared stories of successes and failures, struggles and wins, saving us countless hours on the Internet or in therapy. We aired our secrets and there was very little judgment. One mom confessed that her kids constantly threw gummed up cheerios at her head as she drove! Another said that her child ran and hid every time a play date ended and melted down as they left, causing scene after scene! Another confessed that her preschooler couldn't really read! We all had days filled with tiny people who sapped our energy then demanded we belt out Wheels on the Bus one more time.

We laughed about whether Mother’s Day is a ruse on moms or a real holiday. Bad buffets with grouchy children in dressy clothes, yelling dads and a long wait despite having a reservation were common themes. We agreed it would be more relaxing if the husband took the mad children to breakfast and let us sleep in. We would leave instructions to slide the cherished card under the closed bathroom door.

Tenet 2: Enough with the guilt

One working mom confessed, “Today Mackenzie was sick— again. I had to cancel my work trip to London and work from home. I sat at the doctors’ office for two hours, surrounded by kids with pink eye, only to hear, she should rest. I feel like someone threw me in a garbage can and rolled me down the road. My roots are showing, my nails are chipped, and Mackenzie cried in the background of an important call, because I bought TruMoo chocolate milk instead of Nesquik. And I’m using the drops because I might have pink eye. That’s why I look like I have a lazy, weepy eye tonight! Future partners can’t have pink eye!”

The weepy eye was like a traffic accident that I couldn’t look away from. We all backed up a bit, dreading getting conjunctivitis. I said,“I don’t know how you balance your big job, commuting to the city, and all Mackenzie’s stuff.”

CLICK HERE FOR PART FOUR: MOM SECRETS

Is Facebook Fabulous Your Real Life?

Written by Guest blogger
Shelle Lenssen

It’s Spring Break. That means every family in town has packed up and flown off to some exotic and beautiful vacation destination. The kids are all smiles in their new bathing suits on the beach, and the parents look relaxed and well-rested posing with drinks by the pool. Life is perfect and wonderful and fabulous, right? If I believed every single post and picture on my Facebook feed, then yes, I’d have to say that for many of my family and friends, life is pretty dang perfect. It also seems like my little family is the only one in the whole world not on vacation, the only one with kids who fight and parents who look stressed. If I’m comparing their Facebook Lives to my Real Life, mine loses every single time.

Learn more about The Moms Code.  Like The Moms Code on Facebook  Follow The Moms Code on Twitter.  Find on Instagram.

This doesn’t just go for vacations. I get jealous of others’ Facebook Fabulous lives in other ways too. I compare a friend’s “I LOVE my new car!” post with my “We’re fixing this piece-of-crap again?” reality. Another friend’s shiny pictures of her newly remodeled kitchen make me look at my stained tile and aging appliances with disgust. Posts of other moms putting on cutesy kids’ scavenger hunts, backyard campouts, and Pinterest Perfect birthday parties make me feel like the lamest mom ever.

All of this comparison inspired me to inspect my own Facebook profile. Is there anything on social media that others would be jealous of? Could anyone possibly be comparing their Real Life with my Facebook Life and feeling like a complete failure? As much as I’d like my posts and pictures to be an honest reflection of what’s real, I could see I was only sharing the best and forgetting the less-than-lovely rest.

A recent post shows my two daughters smiling for photos at a science exhibit outing (of course, no photos of the toddler throwing an epic tantrum in the hallway). Another post shows our family enjoying a long weekend road trip full of museum stops, lots of playtime, and general merriment. (There are no mentions of whiney, road-weary children, spilled snacks in the backseat, or parents arguing over driving directions and where to stop for lunch.) If all anyone knew about me came from what I posted on Facebook, they’d think I’m a super fun mommy who constantly takes her kids on educational excursions and is always up for spontaneous weekend adventures. I sincerely hope no mom has ever felt “less-than” after reading something I posted, but I can see how I might be part of the problem.

The Moms Code author Eileen Wacker also writes the acclaimed childrens books The Fujimini Adventure Series.  Many proud parents just like you appreciate multi-cultural education for your children.  Find the book series by clicking here.

The phrase “comparison is the thief of joy,” seems especially relevant in this social media age. If I’m constantly feeling like my house/car/parties/trips don’t measure up, then I’m not enjoying my life as it is right now. When I feel sorry for myself and think others have the perfect Facebook Fabulous life, I miss out on the real, messy, and pretty awesome life happening right now in front of me, and not on a screen.

Fabulous on Facebook

Guest blog by Kenna McHugh

“A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous.”  ― Coco Chanel

If I look fabulous on Facebook, then my life is fabulous. That’s like the saying “Fake it ‘til you make it.” I know my life as a mother is not perfect. If it was, life would be boring. Yet, when it comes to Facebook postings, all I want to post is how fabulous my family is doing.

The Moms Code author Eileen Wacker writes the acclaimed childrens books The Fujimini Adventure Series.  Learn more here.

Like our family Christmas card, I want my friends and family to see how great we are doing, and how happy we are.  That is classy and, for the most part, we are doing well. My kids are alive, and my husband comes home at night.  

I don’t want to share bad news on Facebook with a photo of my daughter being scared to death about going to the dentist. I want to share a photo of her after she gets her braces on with a smiley face commenting, “I am so proud of Rosalind. She made it through her first orthodontist appointment.”

If I post times we are not doing well, like photos of my kids looking pissed-off and my husband sleeping with his mouth wide open, “Our car broke down, and we had to miss the Giants game. We’ve been waiting by the side of the rode for 2 hours. Does anyone know of a better road service?” I don’t think my friends and family want to see that stuff. They’d unfriend me if I kept it up.  

It is better to spread good news than bad news. If anyone wants bad news, they can just turn on CNN. I look for Facebook moments that are fabulous, so my family looks fabulous because deep down in my heart they are fabulous.

Learn more about The Moms Code.  Like The Moms Code on Facebook  Follow The Moms Code on Twitter.  Find on Instagram.

Why would I want to put on Facebook my teenage daughter having a meltdown because she thinks she is fat? What affect does that have on how my friends or family view my daughter? Is it classy? No. Showing how bad someone is doing on a social media website is just plain cruel. It is better so show a photo of my daughter smiling, “She won her heat in the breaststroke and took off 5 seconds. PB for Ros!”

Like I said, life is not perfect, but you can post the positives, and you get what you put your attention on. If I post happy family moments on Facebook, it is because I want my family and friends to know we are having a happy moment.  Whether at times it may seem quite the opposite, I still want my friends and family to think that my family is doing great because I like spreading good news. It is my aspiration to be doing fabulous.