The Mom’s Code -- Girlfriends and Girls Night Out: It Gets Dark Sometimes (Part 3 of 5)

Written by:

Eileen Wacker

I often thought about that night when I was alone in Seoul. I could picture my friends’ faces and hear their voices. I missed them and the person I was when I was with them. The day my child was born, I, as a mom, was born. My definition of who I was shifted enormously with marriage, being a mom and having a family. But I hadn’t realized how much this shift would cost until I was paying the price.

I lost my soul in Seoul. My former jobs brought me to China, Indonesia, Australia, Hong Kong, Japan, Thailand and India so I thought I knew Asia. My husband and I lived in three European countries together so I felt I could handle the expat challenges. I’d never been to Korea. My first trip was to find our apartment. My second was to move there with four little kids in tow, alone because my husband was already there, working.  

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Korea is a tough place for any person to acclimate to. The whole culture is in a hurry. ‘Bali bali’ means hurry, hurry. No one waits for anything. People cut lines, and men walk in front of you, cutting you off and shut the door in your face. They spit on the sidewalk in front of you. One day Koreans like Americans and the next day, they can’t stand us. They regularly have protests against us. But none of this is personal and by the end of our time there, this stuff bounced right off me. It is just the way it is.

Tom and Lydia arrived when I returned from the summer. My husband hired Tom as a risk consultant, having worked with him in Connecticut. Lydia was like a fresh, lovely gardenia. She had raised three children so she was very wise about relationships and being a mom. All the Itaewon shopkeepers were captivated by her Southern charm and called out to her from their stores. One morning, Lydia and I were walking, sipping on coffee when someone spat on the sidewalk at our feet. Busloads of Koreans were protesting against a free trade agreement with the U.S.. One store owner shouted, “Pretty Americans, go home! Not a good day for American people.” I felt angry but Lydia, in her southern voice, said, “Darlin’, it’s young people everywhere. In some office, someone is calling the American Embassy, apologizing, but it’s better to let people get things off their chest. Don’t get all rattled. It will give you wrinkles.” Her words calmed me down. This was not personal to me. And I didn’t want wrinkles.

But from the start, I was artfully put in my place and it felt personal every time. When I called my husband at his office and asked for him by name, his staff was mortified. Some of them referred to me as the ‘foreign wife’ and all requested I use his title ‘hengjamneem’ which means CEO or president in Korean. Even my husband asked me to refer to him as Mr. Wacker or ‘hengjamneem’. I joked, “Maybe I’ll call you that in bed.” He wasn’t kidding. “We have to respect their culture.” I told him he was drinking the Koolaid which led to yet another bitter argument.

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When I took the four kids to see my husband’s office, his secretary escorted us up in a private elevator to an elegant conference room with glass windows on three sides. She was shy and formal, and did not look me in the eye or engage me in conversation. Other staff came by and peered in, smiling and curious. Many bowed to us. His secretary poured Cokes into crystal glasses and gave them to the kids. I didn’t want to be rude so I let them have the soda. My son spilled his all over himself within thirty seconds. “Sorry Mommy,” my son said ruefully. Then he asked for another soda. I said no to that one.

A slick executive in an expensive suit, Kim Dae Yun, strolled in ignoring the kids and said, “My name is ‘Korean title’ Kim. I understand you went to Harvard. I’m not impressed. Here in Korea, a good wife stays in the background looking pretty, so her husband can do his job without interference.” He didn’t wait for a response, just strolled out. He looked me directly in the eye and didn’t bow; two things I knew were insulting. I looked around, confused. My kids were quiet and looked at me for some cue. Did he really just say that? The secretary had a blank look. I wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t understand English well or she didn’t see this behavior as out of the ordinary.

We waited for almost twenty minutes. The kids were squirming and twirling in the big conference room chairs. The secretary stood at the door like a sentry. Finally, my husband walked in, flanked by an entourage. There was Man Friday, his secretary, his driver and his translator. They stood and fussed over my husband. I felt very foreign while he looked very comfortable. My husband kissed each of our kids, then looked at me and said, “Uhh, thanks for coming.” I cocked my head. He whispered, “Korean couples don’t show any affection. It makes people uncomfortable. We have to respect their culture.” I squinted at him and said, “Fine. They don’t have sex either. Enjoy that part of the culture.”  This meet and greet was not going well at all.

After two minutes, the kids started a game of tag. The translator announced they had another meeting to go to. As I left, my husband said, “Why would you give them Coke?” Then he walked out with his human wall. I rode down the elevator with the sentry, my stomach in knots. My kids wanted to go to the park and ride on the swings. I had to dig deep to find the joyful, light hearted me who could push a swing for an hour straight, without yelling.

Travel to Asia in the Spring

Springtime is one of the best times of the year to travel to Asia. During the spring, the temperate transition between seasons is more northern latitudes, for example Tokyo or Seoul, or higher altitudes, such as the Himalayas, make for a beautiful setting to enjoy the full range of cultural and outdoor activities. 

April is one of the best times of the year to visit Japan. It is the perfect time to head to destinations such as Karuizawa. Here, hot springs of the ryokan Hoshinoya lie in the shadow of Mount Asama, an active volcano. 


To learn more about the mentioned Asian countries and other Asian themes, please visit Fujimini Island, find Fujimini Island on Facebook, follow Fujimini Island on Twitter.


In Takayama, there is an age-old ritual each spring where residents of rustic villages get together to re-thatch the pitched roofs of homes dubbed a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Kanazawa, sometimes referred to as "little Kyoto," because of its historic preservation and springtime cherry blossom, is also a great place to see in the spring.

It is also recommended to head to Yunnan, China's southwestern-most province. The breath-taking mountains and terraced rice farms have metallic minerals in the soil that create an extraordinary red color, giving the terrain a sense of uniqueness unlike any other place in the world. While there, you can visit the lovely Naxi town, which flourished due to its role in China's "tea route" during the 7th to 10th centuries. 


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Nepal's offerings are among the most diverse in Asia. There are world-class opportunities in the UNESCO-protected jungles of Chitwan National Park  and if you go in May you can experience the thrill of skydiving from 29,000 feet alongside Mount Everest. 

Tucked in the Himalayas, lies the enchanting Buddhist nation of Bhutan. The Bhutanese government is making strides in infrastructure, even with a new airport scheduled to open this spring, making it a perfect time to travel. Experience a private dinner, a lama blessing at dzongs, archery lessons, and a stay at the newest Amanresort, Amankora Bumthang. 


To learn more about the above Asian countries and other Asian themes, please visit Fujimini Island, find Fujimini Island on Facebook, follow Fujimini Island on Twitter.

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Going to Language Classes – Why doesn’t anyone eat?

I sign up for Hangul language classes at a language institute (called “hagwam in Korean”).  Classes are held four days a week from 10:30-1:30.  I learned French and Italian in the past, living and working in those countries so I figure I will make this commitment.

I know it will be a huge advantage to be able to speak and communicate in the language. On the first day, I pack my survival kit – I have three Diet Cokes (they have the little cans in Korea), a peanut butter sandwich and several granola bars.  I imagined other students forming mini groups and talking and eating during the breaks.  Maybe I will get to know some local places and meet lots of expats from across Seoul.

Well, no one else in the class brought in anything and I am the only American.  There was not so much as a Styrofoam cup with the last bits of coffee. I feel embarrassed thinking that only a mom would bring in her silly snack and drinks; everyone else must hang out at the breaks, make friends and sip cappuccino. We all sit down at the long table and the teacher (“sangsamneem”) comes in and immediately starts speaking in Hangul. I am confused.  Isn’t this beginners’ intensive course?

I soon realize that the other 8 students are from Vietnam, Cambodia, Russia and China.  They are new to Korea and need the language to get into a school or get a job.  So English is not a common language. My assigned partner in class is Vietnamese; I am nervous about the pairing. Not because he is Vietnamese (I love Vietnamese people) but I am instantly suspicion of any man who is skinnier than me! But more importantly, he appears to understand everything and takes copious notes.
Anyway, I am sweating within a half hour; this is definitely going to be more than a hobby.  All the written and oral instructions are in Hangul.  I do not understand anything and there is going to be homework every night. How can I do the homework when I can’t read the directions? I can’t read and pronounce the characters yet. I need remedial Korean!

Isn’t there a lower class for people like me – this is completely alien to me!

I instantly sympathize with people coming to the US who do not know a thing and want to build a life. Now I understood why almost none of the expats speak more than a few phrases of Korean – it’s very hard to learn another language, especially a character language if you are a Westerner. During the break, I am starving so I take out the sandwich and diet soda.  No one has anything to eat or drink.  A few people go outside to smoke but no one grabs snacks at the local café.

After the first week, I finally ask the teacher, “why doesn’t anyone eat?” In the US, people would have brought pizza, croissants, coffee, etc. and the breaks would tend to be filled with eating and chatter. I am humbled by her answer. She says, “I am sure they ate breakfast and will eat their meals later at home but most people who are here learning the language are very poor and this school is very expensive for them. They do not have any money for snacks. Plus we do not eat snacks in class here.  Maybe that is why people in the US are getting bigger.”

This is another big plus for Asia.  They actually work their entire time in the class, pay attention and are there to learn – not to socialize and eat snacks. It is an excellent diet strategy so I only bring snacks on Fridays and I share them with everyone!

Experiencing the WOW of Tokyo

Shortly after returning to Seoul after the summer, we are going to Tokyo for a long weekend. I had actually travelled throughout Asia over several years working on a business development team in General Electric. Whenever the work trip was several weeks, I would spend the weekend and walk around and enjoy the sights, food and people. But it was work, and inevitably I saw more of hotel rooms than the actual sites of city. Plus I was usually rushing home as the trips normally lasted at least ten days to make it worthwhile.

But, I find living in Asia and traveling as a tourist is different and much more fun.  Plus the A-team at my husband’s office steps in and sets up amazing trips with tours and many insider tips.  Whether it was shopping, seeing the worthwhile places or eating in the newest places, our trips are always action packed and leave no regrets. Coming into Tokyo from the airport is spectacular – the city is modern and enormous, and as well, very exciting and hip. The hotels and service are remarkable and the skyline is so crowded with skyscrapers and neon that it is shocking. 

This first trip, we stay at the Intercontinental out in Tokyo Bay. What a beautiful setting.  I am a little surprised when neither the airport nor the hotel will change Korean won – thank goodness I had US cash.  You need cash in Tokyo for taxis, etc. American hotels for the most part cannot compete with the Asian service experience.  And, the decor of upscale hotels with the fusion East West elegance is gorgeous. So we wander around Meiji Gardens, visit the Imperial Palace, walked around in Ginza and eat at fabulous restaurants. One restaurant banged a loud gong every time a new patron entered and all the staff shouted in Japanese.  The kids loved it and Japanese food is delicious.  We also love the “punk” hair, vibrancy and style of Tokyo.  Everyone is so good looking and unique.  It was a stylish place and I am beginning to have a crush on all things with Asian inspiration.

Another time I will write about my trip to Kyoto, the place of ninjas and samurai. And bikes!

No More Rapunzel

And so began many wonderful experiences in Korea and across Asia – not only did we live in Seoul, we lived very well.  If an Elton John concert was coming to town, we could sit in the front row or Nora Jones or Il Divo.  If we went to a restaurant, Rich’s assistant always made the reservation and we had a terrific table and service. The kids were finally settled into a school routine.  I missed the sports availability and the two oldest were bused 45 minutes to an hour each way, but there are always challenges so it did not seem too tough. We had been given a driver for the family; at first I thought it was an invasion of privacy and a loss of independence.  But I got used to it and started to really enjoy how much easier it is in a big sprawling city, where I could sit in the back and do crossword puzzles-- while someone navigated through the ever-present traffic.  My third child went to preschool and the Korean moms were warm; I accepted their invitations for play dates and started to make some friends. As our first year came to a close, we were becoming comfortable in Seoul and Korea was becoming comfortable with us.

I am Rapunzel

I was an expat wife living in Seoul, South Korea for four years with four small children and a husband who worked all the time.  In the beginning, there were many days that were so very trying, I sometimes went into another room to cry so my kids wouldn’t see my tears.  At times, they would just come pouring out of my eyes without warning. I had left many things behind.  Things I did not even know I valued like Mom’s nights out or Tuesday “diner night” with kids (and a glass of wine with the other moms) or phone calls to my family OR Sunday NFL football. The twelve-hour time difference made communication tough and I started living for responses to my mass e-mails as I was very lonely.  I had a housekeeper, a driver, four kids and a husband and I was desperately lonely and alienated. We lived in a beautiful two story apartment right on the river and I would often stand by the window and just stare out at the lit bridge with the thousands of cars crossing.  I felt like the Rapunzel of Korea.

I came back for the first summer to stay in Connecticut as we had kept our house. There was a great camp for the kids and I could see friends and family. My husband had to stay back and work in Korea.  Everyone talked about how strong I was and what a big load I had to carry. During this time, I thought a lot about living so far away and how different life was going to be for a while.  I went back to Korea after the summer with a new sense of purpose.  I was going to learn the language.  I was going to make Korean friends. We were going to travel around Asia – and if my husband could not get the time off, I would go for short holidays with the kids and then bigger trips with him. I would run and even enter a few 10k races.  My list was long and I felt motivated.